By Mesagan Funmi
My good people of Wakacome, today marks the fifth anniversary of my installation as the general of this state and it is my pleasure to address you on my achievement so far when I talk to you last year I promised you that what Wakacome would soon become the golden state. I am pleased to inform you that Wakacome is the only state that pays salary as and at time when due and our workers have learnt how to smile.
Thank for our new strategy which makes it possible for us to sack more ghost workers than we recruit very soon, the state we get rid of ghost on its pay roll and send them to where they rightfully belong as you all know is the commentary this reminds me of our achievement in the health sector. We have built more cottage hospitals, psychiatric homes, orthopaedic hospitals and modern mortuaries in every local government area. The reason behind our building mortuaries in LGAs is the need to reduce the number of people who love to come and die in the city since the ideal behind the creation of LGAs is to bring government to the people we thought it will be nice to bring everything including death and the corpses to the doorsteps. My people you didn’t need to come to the capital to die. You can all die gracious in your various home and rest in peace, thereafter, in nearby mortuaries.
Our free education programme is right on course. Students now go to school five days week and the quality Education has improved a great deal. Many of the Students now pass their exam without even sitting for them it is not magic. Our educationist have fashioned out a new technique of passing exams without sweating. They called it body support. Our state is currently the envy of other states and we are proud of this great achievement. This is borne out of our concern for the general welfare of our citizens as their dependant. For instance, during the previous administration women were so SAPPED that when they put to bed, they no longer have fresh milk in their breast, what they fed their baby with was yogurt! Now thanks to the first lady who has set up the Baby Cow Milk Foundation to assist women in feeding their babies with fresh milk but we still have a long way to go. Some women insist they would not give cow milk to their children because our political opponent have brain them to believe that children fed on cow milk would end up behaving like cows and possibly bring to our shores the deadly mad cow diseases. My people this is cheap propaganda. Our children will never grow to be cows. They would rather be lions, tigers, and Altisan dogs as they fight for progress in Wakacome.
Ladies and gentlemen, my Administration has also gone further in alleviating the sufferings of our people. Every Friday and Sunday has executives go out to give alms to the beggars and mendicant who litter the streets, and on special days, we allow them to scavenge for Executives food in the government house dustbin and refuse dumps. We are the first government to allow this in the world. We are proud of the Gunnies – Books – of – records achievement beggars now pray for us daily. The poor and the needy also shower praises on us for paying attention to their plight. Very soon the first lady will be frying beans cake for distribution to all the less privilege on the last Friday and Sunday of every month respectively because ours is a caring administration. Concerning the General populace we have started to import Yam from Togo, Beans from Mali, Meat from Botswana and rice from Libya all African countries for that matter. This is an interim measure though, pending the time the central government put its act together. Thank God oil is still flowing at the bowels of Niger Delta. But I am sad to report that fuel situation in Wakacome has not improved. However, we shall not fold our arms while our citizens are sufferings in the midst of plenty. Thus it has been the tradition of this administration that I as the Chief executive travel abroad every weekend seek for cheaper petrol for the state since the central government has gone astray as the hunter’s dog in the proverb.
My good people, I am pleased to inform you that peace is now reigning in the state. The police have done us proud. All law – abiding citizens can now stay as late as 9pm everyday before going home. Ritual killers don’t kill in the night again, now armed robber prefer robbing the people of their earned belongings in broad day light and no longer at a time where they disturb people from sleeping.
I am delighted to say that most of our University graduates have been employed as the traffic wardens to ward off traffic disaster. Recently, we bought heavy duty motor bikes for all traditional rulers in the state to enable them beat traffic Jams when they come for council – of – Kings meeting in the capital. As it is customary we expect every motorist and pedestrians to accord them the right of way when they come out in their full regalia on the royal Okada. Sorry motorised bikes, pay the usual obeisance to them because there are our fathers. They have been our pillar of support since day one, anytime there is crisis in the state, they were the first to pledge their royal support, without them Wakacome would been packed up like a deflected balloon. I must also commend them for the assistance they rendered in our struggle to secure a new maximum security prison.
Now all our homeless, jobless and restive youths can have a home they can call their own.
Finally let me break the good news. The entire workers of this our great state as unanimously decided to name the new government secretariat after my wife for her selfless service to the state. The secretariat has also been named after my father. And before I started the broadcast the secretary to the government passed a note to me indicating that the state assembly had unanimously adopted a motion to name the state after my deaf and dump son. All I can say now is that you have not seen anything yet. By the time I finished my second term, Wakacome would not be the same again.
Thank you and good morning, have a pleasant week ahead.
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